It's been 5 years

Hey, it's been 5 years since the first post on this blog. I have returned to log a post.

Within the circle of friends or acquaintances of the group that started this blog, most of them picked up jobs, some pursued postgraduate degrees and second degrees, while a small fraction vanished into society.

I am writing for myself to update any lingering readers of this blog.

Things have taken a dark turn. The rumor of MD's lab being a hell-hole is true. No one speaks of continuing, everyone is regrets in joining. What do I think? Vocally I would disown him as everyone else, but a personal fear has taken it it as a place to squander my life and wasting my parents money. They say a person who endures long term suffering is actually making the choice, conscious or not, to suffer. Many a person is a voluntary slave.

Lately I have been taking on climbing onto high places, and catching myself doing potentially disastrous physical acts. My mind is scrambled when I try to think about things, and focusing on the notion of work fills me with a cold dread of oblivion. Motivation is non-existent while I plug my head into distractions, such as writing this blog post or winging it in some alternate non-related-to-work event. Passing a day with nothing done is becoming the norm and as weeks turn into months, I wonder if I would ever recover from this slump of life. The vicious spiral of procrastination has its grip on me. What would I do about it? Start working upwards when tomorrow becomes today.

Dreams, once bright with hope and anticipation, are becoming dull and faded images mired with dark streaks of fear, helplessness, or desperation. Opportunities swoop by as flying doors, teasing my reach, with mocking laughter echoing through the opened cracks. Company turns into pain sessions, any success story giving a searing mental burn, while misfortunes soothe with a bad aftertaste. I have been placing distance to keep my sanity. Graduating seems like the solution, but the panic monster for it has turned into mush. A mush that fills the space in my mind. dark primal fears haunting from within awaiting the feast of my rationality. A vice, I am caught, between accepting fate and mutual destruction.

Idleness, woe is me.